Christians and grieving

Below is a blog I wrote for my friend Erica. Enjoy.


I had just gotten back from Iraq. I met my son who was born while I was deployed. My wife and I were amazed at how great it felt to hold each other after months apart and were more in love than ever. Everything was perfect…mostly. All these things were truly great and I relished these moments. Life really was good. But there were some parts that didn’t seem right. There were times when I felt depressed. Sometimes I would close my eyes and all I could think of were my brothers who didn’t make it home. I felt guilty.

Then there were new issues I didn’t expect. I constantly felt nervous. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t drive down to Wal-Mart without thinking something was going to explode beside the road. One night I woke up unaware of where I was with my wife in an arm-lock because I thought she was trying to kill me. Needless to say, after that I slept even less. I was grieving and I felt so ashamed about it.

Why in the world am I sharing these very intimate details of my life? What does this have to do with a blog about grieving and spirituality? Everything. You see, as a Pastor (yes, I’m a Pastor who joined the Marine Corps infantry, that’s a whole other blog topic) I felt like something was very wrong with me. After all, Christians are happy. Christians have the joy of the Lord. Being a Christian, and especially a Pastor, means you have everything together. I started thinking things like, “I’m not spiritual enough. If I were close enough to God I could just pray about this and be better. I must not have enough faith.” I was so embarrassed that I was dealing with these things that I didn’t tell anyone. Obviously my wife saw it, but that was it. I didn’t want to get counseling or talk to another Pastor. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it because then they would know I was grieving on the inside and that would be a bad witness. I couldn’t have that.

Over time, though, I started to realize that this idea that Christians have everything together and are happy all time is a big steamy pile. The crucial question I was wrestling with was this, “Is it ok for a Christian to go through a grieving process, or should they just pray and instantly be better?” I wanted God’s help. I wanted to be better. So I started studying what the Bible had to say about grief and suffering. I couldn’t find any passages where God was angry with the brokenhearted or the downcast. I couldn’t find any scriptures that shamed the grieving. What I did find was amazing, and beautiful, and encouraging. What I found is that the Bible is full of real people, who lived messy screwed up lives and grieved and struggled and cried. That’s not the beautiful part. The beautiful part is how concerned God is with our suffering. Instead of being offended or annoyed by it, as I had assumed, the Bible reveals an amazingly merciful God who grieves when we grieve. So, with all of that said, I would like to share some of what the Bible teaches about God’s people and grieving.

Suffering is part of being human. It’s part of living in this world that’s broken and tainted by sin. It’s unavoidable. Because it’s so common to the human condition the Bible talks about grieving quite a bit. There are some well known verses I found that were comforting. Verses like Psalm 34:18 which says God is close to the brokenhearted. And Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 3:4 says there is a proper time for everything. A time to weep and a time to laugh. However, where I found the most healing and comfort was in Jesus. I don’t mean that in a generic bumper sticker “Jesus is my co-pilot” way. I mean when I read the gospels and looked at the actual life of Jesus, His words, His actions, how He interacted with people, how He showed compassion to the hurting and how even He was moved to tears at times, it gave me hope. A light bulb came on and I realized that grieving is not sin. Being sad does not mean I’m not spiritual. Suffering does not mean I have no faith. My savior, the God-man, the perfect and spotless Lamb of God had bad days. As Isaiah said, He was familiar with suffering and had many sorrows.

There are two accounts from the life of Jesus that have shed a great deal of light on this subject for me. The first one is found in John chapter 11. This is the account of Lazarus. If you’re not familiar with the story let me give you the quick version. Lazarus was a good friend of Jesus. He got sick and died. The interesting thing is that when He found out Lazarus was sick Jesus was in a town nearby and could have made it to Lazarus in time to heal him. Instead Jesus stayed in that town a few more days before going to Lazarus’ hometown. By the time He got there it was too late. As Jesus got close to His friend’s house He was met on the road by Martha, one of Lazarus’ sisters. They had a really neat conversation then she went to get her sister Mary. Jesus stood there on the road just outside the town and watched the devastation death brings to those left behind. The next few verses are truly powerful and comforting. It says that as Jesus saw these sisters mourning “He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” Then it says “Jesus wept.”
Did you catch that? JESUS WEPT! He didn’t get misty eyed and a little downcast. He wept. Jesus sobbed. I learned a few things from this story. By doing this Jesus gives us permission to grieve for others. Jesus was so moved by seeing Lazarus’ sisters’ brokenness that He couldn’t go on without weeping. Saying “It’s ok to sympathize and grieve for others” may seem really obvious to you, but let me assure you not all Christians are aware of this. A few years ago my grandmother died and my mom had a really hard time with it. They loved spending time together, talked on the phone every day, they were very close. A few weeks after the funeral my mom was at church one day, and was still clearly broken and sad. A lady, whom my mom considered a friend, came up to her and rebuked her for still grieving the loss of her mother. She told my mom she just needed to pray and have the joy of the Lord and get over it. All that accomplished was adding guilt and judgment to suffering. Too many Christians are under this same false impression that grieving is a sign of spiritual deficiency.

Jesus didn’t tell Lazarus’ sisters to just pray and get over it. He sat in the middle of a dusty road and cried with them. Amazing. Paul reiterates this idea in Romans 12:15 saying it is good to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” My father-in-law is amazing at this. He has been through a great deal of suffering and grieving in his life. He can meet someone for the first time, find out they are going through something horrible, and just sit and cry with them. When I see him sympathize with others who are suffering I think of Jesus and it is a beautiful thing.

I think the most eye-opening part of this scripture is that Jesus knew the whole time He was going bring Lazarus back to life. Jesus didn’t weep because He had lost hope. His weeping didn’t signal a loss of faith in His Father’s plan. Jesus knew everything was going to end up alright, and He wept anyway. Jesus knew God was going to use this situation for His glory and that the day would end with laughing and dancing and rejoicing, and He wept anyway. Grieving does not automatically mean someone has lost hope. It is not a white flag signaling you’ve given up. It is possible to have great faith and trust in God and still grieve. Having real and genuine faith doesn’t mean you don’t suffer or feel the pain of living in a broken world. Real and genuine faith looks to God through puffy red crying eyes and says, “In the midst of my weeping, in the midst of my suffering, when I can’t even speak through the sobbing, You are still God and You will get me through this.”
The second passage that has taught me a lot is in Luke chapter 22. This is where Jesus prays in a garden moments before Judas brings a mob to arrest and eventually kill Him. Here we get a glimpse of Jesus being vulnerable, being scared, being human. Jesus knows what the next few days hold. He knows the agony of the cross is coming soon and Jesus grieves, this time for Himself. In fact the scriptures say He was so anguished that His sweat was like drops of blood. That’s not a poetic thing. There’s an actual medical condition where someone can be so stressed that the capillaries in the forehead burst and blood comes out in tiny droplets like sweat. Some people think going to the cross was easy for Jesus because He’s the Son of God. They haven’t read the Bible. I like that Matthew’s gospel includes Jesus saying, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” If you can’t make the connection I’ll help you out. That’s ancient verbiage for “I’m scared to death!” In short Jesus grieves for Himself. Jesus is real about His own suffering. He doesn’t sluff if off with cheesy patronizing sayings like, “Well, God’s got a plan” or “I guess I just gotta have faith.” Jesus is too real and not nearly annoying enough for that. Yes, faith is of the utmost importance and God does in fact have a plan in all things. But it’s ok to look at your situation and be real about it. This sucks. This isn’t fun. I hate this right now. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m…whatever, you fill in the blank.


Let me pull all of this together really quickly. Many are under the impression that grieving is somehow unspiritual and reveals a lack of faith. However, you cannot read the Bible and conclude that is truly God’s view. Grieving is part of what it is to be human in this fallen world. Having faith doesn’t mean we no longer grieve. It means, as Paul told the Thessalonians, we don’t grieve like those who have no hope. In other words we can grieve and hurt and be honest about it and still have great faith in God.
Thank you for letting me share some thoughts with you. I focused this blog on answering the question “Is it ok for Christians to grieve?” My prayer is that this is helpful to someone. If you are suffering and for some reason feel guilty about it, don’t. Once I started coming to grips with the fact that my grieving wasn’t a sign of spiritual weakness I was able to talk about it with trusted friends and family, and then the healing really started.
Nick

Upcoming Blog

I'm working on an article for a good friend of mine who is a
phenomenal psychologist and counselor. She has asked me to contribute
to her blog dealing with issues of grieving and spirituality.

I'm going to check with her and if she is cool with it I will post
that article here as well. Keep an eye out for it. This is a very
interesting subject and I think a lot a Christians are confused about
what the Bible really teaches about grieving.

I should be done with it in the next 3 or 4 days.

Nick

Don't cry on Valentines Day

Valentines day is tomorrow. Some of you are getting over-sized cards and heart shaped boxes of cheap chocolate tomorrow. Some of you may be lonely tomorrow. I would love to say I'll hang out with you sorry saps tomorrow, but I'll be haning out with my gorgeous wife, you know, so.....
Anyway, I thought I would share this video to help you lonley hearted folks. And remember, don't cry. "Crying is letting your soul leak. And every time a soul leaks a kitten breaks a leg." That's a paraphrase of a Ben Franklin quote. I think the exact wording was, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Close enough.

I should pray about this.

I got to have lunch with my friend Jake today. While we ate we talked about Jesus, how He would interact with college students, and which parts of our relationship with Him we wish we were better at. Number one on my list was prayer. Prayer, for me, is this weird enigma. It's so simple. You just talk to God about...stuff. About your day, about your frustrations, about things that make you happy, about things that made you angry, about your goals and dreams, about stuff you screw up, about anything. Every time I set time aside to talk to God I absolutely love it. I love the intimacy. I love that feeling of relationship and knowing that I have the undivided attention of the God of the entire universe.

Here's where the mystery comes in. If it's so easy to do, and I love doing it so much, why is it so freaken hard to get myself to pray? It's not that I don't pray; just not enough. It seems like prayer is the only thing like this for me. I don't ever have to convince myself to play frisbee. I love it and it's pretty simple, so whenever I have a chance to throw a frisbee around I do it. And I can look at lots of other stuff I love to do and say the same thing. If it's simple and I love to do it then its really easy for me to decide to do it, except for praying. Its simple, and I love, yet its always so easy to justify not doing it. I'm too busy, or I'll do it later, or I'm not in the mood (good grief, did I really just say that?).

I think this is the part where a really spiritual person would say, "I had an epiphany and now I pray 10 hours a day." But I haven't. This whole thing is still an enigma to me.

I do know that praying is not optional for me. I will not let my faith be reduced to religious ceremonies or empty intellectual agreement to certain doctrines. My faith, biblical Christianity, is about being able to have a relationship with God because of what Jesus has done for us. Without genuine relationship, nothing else is worth it. Obviously, you can't have a relationship with a person if you don't talk to that person. I know, I should write books, this is some deep stuff. I have to pray. Not because anyone makes me or I think God will hate me if I don't pray as much as I should. But because that's what it will take to have the intimate relationship with God that I want.

Like I said, there is no epiphany. There is no magic thing to try. It's just a matter of doing it more. So that's what I need to do. I have a feeling I'm not alone on this one.

The subject of prayer has been on my mind lately for 2 reasons. First because in the last few weeks some part of me has been wanting to pray a lot more. Its like for some reason God has been inviting me to communicate with Him more lately, which is awesome but it has also made me more aware the great enigma. The other reason is because of an event taking place next week at IU. Several campus ministries are getting together for this thing called Prayerpalooza. The idea is to challenge people to devote more time than they normally would to prayer during Lent. I'm excited about the event as well as the challenge to pray more. If you are in the area and want to check out Prayerpalooza just go to our Facebook page, the info is all there.

I know this post didn't offer much as far as answers or solutions. But I hope that as I let you in on some of the tough questions I'm wrestling with, you'll ask yourself the same tough questions.

Snipple snaps.

Good sermon.

I stumbled across this sermon a while back and thought I'd share it with you's guys. This guy's name is Mark Driscoll. He has been dubbed a major leader in the "Emerging Church". The word "emerging" has become quite a buzz word among Christians lately. The problem is nobody is really sure what exactly it means to be an Emerging Christian. So in this sermon Mark defines some characteristics of churches that consider themselves to be part of this group. He also distinguishes between some sub-groups that are forming in this movement. However, most importantly and the reason I like this sermon so much, Mark clarifies that titles/denomiations/etc aren't really worth a big bag of hot poo. Whatever kind of Christian you call yourself, what matters is loving Jesus and learning to be more like Him from the Bible. Take a look.

John 2, The First Miracle

Jesus’ First Miracle; John 2:1-12
The first miracle Jesus performs turns out to be quite peculiar.

-It happened in Cana.
-Where is Cana? No one knows. Small town, not known for anything, only mentioned in John.
-He could have picked Jerusalem, or Jericho, or even Rome. He chose….Cana?
-Jesus continually reveals an upside down kingdom that seems to be more focused on ordinary people living in ordinary places.
-Lately I’ve been realizing that we have a very elitist view of what’s sacred. In order something to be really sacred it has to be epic, dynamic, monumental, steeped in history and tradition.
-Jesus seems to think the sacred is part of everyday life, everyday conversations, poor people’s weddings in the middle of nowhere.

-How the miracle came about is peculiar.
-Mary notices the wine ran out and mentions this to Jesus.
-Jesus rebukes her, says his hour has not yet come, then does this miracle anyway. Possibilities?
-Catholic view, Mary forced the hand of Jesus.
-Jesus already planned on doing this, but wanted to be clear that He obeyed the Father, not any human. Jesus grew up here, its most likely Mary’s family. Jesus and disciples were last minute invites. Social implications of running out of wine are huge. Usually, friends/family would bring their own portion of wine. Jesus did not.
-By “my hour” Jesus meant the crucifixion. His rebuke is to make sure His true purpose, the cross, wasn’t confused with being a magician.
-How Jesus goes about the miracle is interesting. Not flashy, only the servants and 5 disciples saw it. No screaming, no special words, no shaking or falling down. Why do we make praying for miracles so dramatic?

-The nature of this first miracle is also peculiar.
-The vast majority of miracles are healings. Others deal with life altering emergencies and huge problems; raising the dead, feeding thousands, calming storms, casting out demons.
-But the very first miracle He ever does is not at all epic. It really has no lasting meaning on anyone’s life. It seems so…..ordinary.

-What’s the purpose and meaning of this miracle?
-The most simple answer is that Jesus did this to help some people out. Jesus saw a need and met it. Jesus wants to make every aspect of your life better, even social activities.
- Meaning of the miracle? The purification jars are symbolic of burdensome religious ceremony. Wine is symbolic of blood. This first miracle is Jesus’ way of saying the old covenant of law is being replaced by something better, the covenant of my blood.
- John is the gospel of layered meaning. There is a deeper meaning to the miracle revealed in the host’s words “saved the best for last.” God had spoken through the law and prophets, but saved the best for last. These words, reveal the onset of God’s best revelation to man.
-It also says clearly one of the reasons behind this miracle; He showed His glory to the disciples and they believed.